Power.Love.Sound Mind.

If God hasn't given given me a spirit of fear, why am I so afraid?

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I was officially diagnosed with anxiety disorder back in 2015. I had had run ins with depression since I was very young and had, in fact, taken medication for it off and on over the years. I had experienced panic attacks a few times, but it was never a chronic experience until the year I was diagnosed.

It took me several months to realize I was actually experiencing anxiety. I was pregnant with my third child and would regularly feel a pressure in my diaphragm that made it difficult to catch my breath. Naturally, I chalked it up to the baby taking up space, even though I was still very early on in the pregnancy when it started.

One day I started making the connection that I could sometimes lessen the struggle with a quiet moment to breathe deeply and with purpose. It just hit me out of nowhere one day that it was anxiety.

The fact that I felt anxious was actually 100% understandable. This pregnancy was following up one that had ended in miscarriage, and I felt that looming possibility of a repeat like a boulder I was carrying around for the first several weeks. That wasn't the only thing, though.

When I became pregnant with Annie Maebh, it was an impossibly stressful time for our family that involved federal investigations, harassment, threats, and so on and so forth. Also, we had gone through a terrifying ordeal of nearly losing Lyric to hypercalcemia when she had just turned a year old. That had created other health issues that were scary and life-threatening, and doctors couldn't even (and still can't) find the cause. We were warned she may not survive and to brace ourselves for that, as if that is something anyone could possibly ever do.

After about a year of having her calcium levels and other medical concerns under control, we all began to breathe a little easier. Never one to linger, though, that stability was gone more swiftly than it had returned when federal agents showed up at our door one night. I remember Jason told me that his advice to me was to divorce him and distance myself from him so that I would lessen my likelihood of a direct impact.

That was Jason, see? His strategy was with me in mind. I knew, and he knew that there was nothing he had ever done wrong. But I knew, and he knew that guilt is never relevant in matters such as these. He was fixing to be dragged through the mud, and he didn't want to take me with him. But I told him that the only thing more impossible than going through what was to come with him would be to go through life without him. Well. I can say that I have absolute proof that I was right.

We forged on. We lost so very much. It was hard and it was scary and it was draining on every literal and metaphorical resource we had. There were times when the fears slammed into me so violently that Jason would have to just hold me and promise me it would be okay. He had this way of convincing me that things were okay even when I knew they weren't.

Sooner or later, fear will dictate your next step.

I'd become so accustomed to that feeling of terror that it was very much embedded in my thoughts, my decision-making, and my hope (more accurately, hopelessness) for the future. Though I was angry at a Father who would seemingly step to the side and allow it all to happen, I also didn't know any other way to cope than to find some promise to cling to.

Romans 8:28 seems to be the first comforting thought believers think when fit really hits the shan.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

That promise sounded good, but it felt very much like a word for the future. Knowing that water is coming tomorrow when you're trapped in a burning room today doesn't speak to how to survive until the moment of deliverance arrives. And I'm sure as all get out that I'm missing something valuable in Romans 8:28 when I say that, but I am just speaking to how it felt - especially at that time - and feelings can ruin absolutely everything.

So, it was around that time that I was seeking a sound foundation that could help with my anxiety. And let me just say that it is currently the year 2023 and I am still medicated for depression and anxiety. I am not at all creating a narrative that Scripture can't work in conjunction with other factors like counseling and medication

I needed something I could know applied to me in the exact moment of panic.

I can't remember how I was led to 2 Timothy 1:7. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." What does this mean?

Fear itself is a natural response to any number of situations. It can also be a healthy response. It is good for babies to have a fear of falling. It is good for anyone to have a fear of bears. It is understandable to feel afraid when road conditions are treacherous, a medical diagnosis is serious, or a job is hanging in the balance.

I didn't think it was realistic to assume this verse meant that Christians should expect to never feel frightened for any reason. I am no scholar. I know no ancient languages. I can only do internet searches. Here's what I feel reasonably confident in what I found out:

• This verse was by the Apostle Paul as a letter to Timothy and would be the last of his writings before his death.

• Paul was hip to the fact that he was likely to die soon and wanted to offer Timothy encouragement while he still could.

• Timothy was shy, timid, and fearful.

• Those qualities hindered Timothy's willingness to trust God in his calling to speak the gospel. Christians were truly persecuted in that time. As punishment for recognizing Jesus as Lord, they were imprisoned, tortured, and killed in violent ways. That's reason enough to be fearful, I'd say.

With the context of knowing that Paul anticipated he would soon be killed because he continued to boldly share the gospel, I started understanding what he was trying to help Timothy see.

The boldest thing we could do was trust God's hand in our calling.

I think one of the most detrimental things believers do is to believe that easy living, being "blessed", and receiving the desired outcome is in direct proportion with God being good and loving. Sometimes, living is not easy. What is God, then? Sometimes, we lose. What is God, then? Sometimes, the story turns out in a way too devastating to understand. What, oh what, is God, then? And not just what is He...I have wondered who is He? Where is He? He didn't feel close. He didn't feel good. He always has this known ability to reach in and undo all the bad things. That is what I awaited. I waited for that moment that He finally released the pressure and our enemies scattered. But at every step, it seemed the persecutors won.

In our society, we do not face the same type of oppression that Paul and Timothy were under. Ours so often comes from areas like bitterness and anger that drive us to consciously turn from God as the One who could stop it but doesn't. I cannot tell you how committed I have been to making sure God knew just how fed up with Him I was. These are some words I wrote while in that frame of mind:

The dragon roared and blew his flame

I drew my sword and cursed your name

Where were you in all this pain I had to fight alone?

My faith held sway, but the earth was weak

It fell away beneath my feet

I called your name, but you wouldn't speak

And now, I'm too far gone

We Christians like to blame the big bad world around us for stealing our voice and persecuting our faith....but if you ask me, we most often do that to ourselves because we don't like the way things go down in our lives.

I remember I read a "praise report" from a woman as I was entrenched in my absolute sour heart, and her words cut right through me. She talked about how she prayed when she was a little girl that God would give her a good man one day. And He answered that prayer by giving her one that was more than she could have ever dreamed of. "I'm God's favorite," she gushed. And her children were healthy and wonderful. She adored being their mommy and her husband's wife and the amazing, beautiful adventures God sent them on together. "God loves me best."

Meanwhile, our "adventures" were a full on military campaign. Her ground was a garden; mine was a battlefield. Her God and mine was the same, but yes, she was clearly His favorite.

Y'all, it is right and good to acknowledge and praise God in the goodness of life. But we must take note of what our hearts perceive of God when He is behaving the way we want Him to and God when He isn't stepping in as we have begged Him to. When the latter happens, there is no bigger feeling of betrayal and abandonment. At least, that is true for me.

"Are You a good Father? Then save me!"

And Jesus, too, felt forsaken when the Father didn't do what Jesus knew He had the authority to do. We understand, though, that the work couldn't be completed if God would have saved Jesus from being crucified. And if the work fell short, then so would redemption. So would everything. And Jesus knew that the story wasn't His. His life, it wasn't His. The story, all of it, is God's. My story is God's. Your story is God's. And God is existing, right now, in every single second of the life you have been gifted.

All things work together for good...to them who are called according to his purpose. The promise is that God has redeemed it all. To you and to me, we are waiting on that day when all these bad things show themselves as good. To God, the story is already written, already played out, and He has won. Through Him, we are winners, too. We are winners...not will be.

But we are human and we can't feel victorious when the confines of time and space have us currently getting ready to be loaded into the fiery furnace. We feel afraid in these moments we are living. That spirit of fear is conquered by Power, Love, and Sound Mind. That means, we may step into the furnace and perish. God may not save us from the flames. He may allow our persecutors to get what they were after. But between us and Him, He is the only one who knows this story from beginning to end, so the spirit He has given us is to trust Him, come what may.

About a year and a half ago, I was anguishing in the grief of losing Jason, and I was sure it would swallow me up. But it was so cruel that it wouldn't do that. It just held me in its suffocating grips, but refused to finish me off. I prayed, begging God to just undo the way He had let things happen. I was desperate to see Jason, to hear what he would tell me in that moment, to hear him promise everything would be okay like he always used to do. God didn't send Jason, of course. He did send clarity. What would Jason tell me right now? This:

Everything is going to be okay.

He would tell me what he had always told me, but this time he would believe it, too. And not because he is now so happy in Heaven that he wouldn't want to be back in this messy world. The reason Heaven is what it is is because, there, we can finally trust God with no barriers of unbelief, fear, doubt...none of that. Jason would tell me to go with the flow because he fully trusts God, and for no reason other than that.

So, Power, Love, and a Sound Mind promise that I can trust the calling I have, just as Timothy could trust his. I can't trust that it will be anything outside of what God has designed it to be. I can trust that it will not be anything that God did not design it to be.

My husband died. I lost every second of the future we had planned. I lost my most steadfast supporter. I lost being known. I lost the greatest friend I'll ever find here on Earth. I am favored by God. I am loved best by God. God is my good Father. I don't know how, but all of these things are true.